The Complete Guide To Premature Ejaculation (Part 3/5 – Understanding Arousal)

Matt Coward, MD
the complete guide to premature ejaculation part 3 5 1
Arousal is the sensation of being sexually stimulated. Your body goes through physical and emotional changes when you’re turned on.

Understanding arousal

I briefly explained the basics of ejaculation. We’ll now be looking at how to prevent premature ejaculation, instead of getting best otc premature ejaculation pills. I also want to give you an overview of male sexual arousal and what you and your partner should expect when you are turned on. Masters and Johnson, pioneering sex researchers, created this four-stage model to understand male sexual response in the 1960s. It still holds true today.

Excited. This is the first phase of sexual tension. You’ll feel and see it in your body. Your penis blood vessels begin to fill up with blood when you stimulate them. This causes them to swell and harden. It’s not just your penis that becomes erect. Your nipples and earlobes, lips and nostrils all swell and darken as well, and your testicles become closer to your body. Your heart rate and breathing speed increase, and blood pressure increases.

Plateau. Your excitement might start to level off or plateau before you feel even more excited. This phase is when your body is ready to have an erection. Your abs and thighs become tighter as you prepare to come. Your hands and feet start to clench and your breathing becomes faster and more uneven.

Orgasm. This third stage of sex is considered the most enjoyable. All that tension that has been building up during orgasm is finally released. The plateau phase is marked by increased blood pressure, rapid breathing and muscle contractions. This is when you reach your point of ejaculatory inevitable and cannot stop yourself from climaxing.

Resolution. After your orgasm, the final phase of sexual reaction occurs. This is basically when your body relaxes. The tension in your muscles and blood pressure drop, and your excitement begins to fade. Many men feel tired during resolution. Unless you are a teenager, your penis will also go on a rest. This is the time when your body heals from an orgasm, but you don’t have an erection immediately. It varies depending on your age.

Controlling the ejaculatory inevitable

I understand what you are thinking. You can’t resist orgasm once you have passed the point of ejaculatory inevitable. How can you manage ejaculatory inevitable?

It’s clear that you can’t get to the point where ejaculatory inevitable happens too fast. However, if you are able to recognize when you are approaching ejaculatory inevitable you can also learn to control it. You get an erection if blood enters your penis and the base muscles contract to keep it full. When you reach the point where ejaculatory inevitable is reached, your muscles relax and some of the blood starts to flow out. After an orgasm, your muscles relax completely and all the blood returns out.

This physiological process can make you live longer. To avoid missing your moment of ejaculatory inevitable, you need to know where it is. It’s like a valve you use to release some of the sexual buildup. This will allow you to last longer and cycle you back a little in the process.

You might notice some precome or seminal fluid when you use this technique. After experiencing a few of the pleasures of orgasm without actually ejaculating you can give your penis a squeeze. This will reduce the urge to ejaculate and force some blood from the penis. This is a great strategy to make your orgasm last longer and it feels great. This technique can result in multiple orgasms for men or, at the very least, the concept of male multiple Orgasms. You will experience one to two pleasant contractions and then you are able to go back to the beginning.

You should feel one to two pleasant orgasmic contractions once you reach the point where ejaculatory inevitability is possible. You will feel some relief from the sexual tension in your pelvis. However, you won’t ejaculate. Instead, you keep an erection to continue. When we talk about techniques, we’ll discuss more details on how to identify and control the “point of no returns”.

Multiple orgasms between him and her

While I won’t dwell too much on male multiple orgasms (although it is a technique to “come close”), I don’t believe this should be confused or misunderstood with the incredible female potential to experience multiple orgasms. It’s a way to enjoy some of the pleasures of orgasm, but delay the huge payoff of ejaculation. Women, however, have an innate ability to experience multiple orgasms. Women’s genitals take longer to recover from a loss of erections than men. Men lose their erections more quickly and enter what’s known as a refractory phase. The clitoris doesn’t contain the venous plexus which is the mechanism in the penis to retain blood and sustain an erection.

Women who have more blood in their pelvic region after orgasm can experience more orgasm. Natalie Angier, a science writer for the New York Times, wrote that while it may take a long time to reach the first summit, the lusty mountaineer will find wings waiting her once she has reached the top. She doesn’t need to climb back up to the top to reach the next peak. Instead, she can glide on currents of joy like a raptor.

Another way to think about arousal

A new theory by John Bancroft and Erick Janssen at the Kinsey Institute offers a different way to think about sexual arousal. It is called the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response and it has real potential to help us understand sex. My Good in Bed colleague Emily Nagoski (PhD), author of The Good in Bed Guide to Orally Pleasuring a Man, and The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, has collaborated with Kinsey researchers. She shared her findings with me.

The new model of sexual arousal consists of two parts.

Sexual Excitation System (SES). This is your sexuality’s gas pedal. There are many things that can push the pedal to rev your engine. These include visual stimulation (looking at your partner and viewing porn), tactile stimulation (having someone touch you), and everything else in between. Your environment and thoughts are constantly being scanned by your SES to identify sexually attractive things. It sends signals to your brain to activate those items when it finds them.

Sexual Inhibition System (SIS). Your SIS acts as your body’s brake pedal. There are two types of SIS, according to research. One is performance anxiety, which can be characterized as your fear of premature or irreversible ejaculation. This is called SIS1. Your SIS2 is a response to your fears of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. Your SIS2 scans your environment for potential turnoffs, just like the SES. Although it sounds like a negative, the SIS can be a great help. It will prevent you from having an erection at a meeting with your boss or family dinner.

Each of us has both an SES or SIS, and both are necessary for a healthy sex lifestyle. Arousal is a two-part process. It requires stimulation for the SES as well as removing triggers that could trigger the SIS. The amount of stimulation received by the SIS and SES will determine how sexually stimulated you are. Your sexuality is like a car. You need the right mixture of gas and brakes to ensure a smooth ride.

SES and SIS can be used by premature ejaculated men and their partners to put the brakes on during sex. In this article I mentioned that premature ejaculation can be managed by anticipating and postponing the point of ejaculatory inevitable. Here power and control are key. Your partner will be able to do certain things to engage your brakes or SIS once she is familiar with you. You will have to wait longer to have an orgasm if she keeps stepping on the brakes. This can not only prolong the time it takes to ejaculate but can also make your orgasms even more intense.

This is a great way to get to know your brakes and pedals.

You can delay your point of ejaculatory inevitableness to help you manage your premature ejaculation. However, you must identify the revs and brake pedals that you use to control your engine. You should make a list of the pedals and brakes that you use. Also, note the fears and worries that you avoid. There are many factors that can affect the effectiveness of pedals and brakes. What works for one person may not work for another. Here are some examples.

Pedals

  • Visual excitement: Looking at your partner and viewing pornography
  • Tactile excitement is when your partner touches you or you touch them. It also includes the amount of friction and lubrication used. Oral stimulation or manual stimulation.
  • Sexual excitement: Thinking about sex with your partner, daydreaming or fantasizing about sex.
  • Premature ejaculation is more severe than others. Premature ejaculation can be pushed over the edge by negative emotions, interruptions during sex, or other factors that may act as brakes. These pedals are:
  • Environment excitement (seeing, hearing, or anticipating interruptions that could speed ejaculation such as a knock on the door, crying baby or barking dog)
  • Anxiety, which is a common emotion in men with premature ejaculation, can be paired with sex.

Brakes

  • Fear of sexually transmitted diseases, pain and injury, as well as unintended pregnancy, are some of the negative consequences of sex.
  • Be worried about pleasing your partner.
  • Beware of being seen or heard by others while you are having sex
  • Problems in relationships or thoughts that distract
  • Music, television and talking are distractions that can be used outside of work.

Partnering with you

You should now have a good idea of how sexual arousal works and your responses to it. What about your partner’s sexuality, though? Premature ejaculation doesn’t only affect you, as I have said before. Your partner will also be affected by premature ejaculation. Not only does it affect your sexual ability, but also how she reacts to and handles your premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation can be described as a relationship problem.

Congratulations if you have had an honest discussion with your partner about premature Ejaculation. Your partner is already far ahead of the rest, as most men would rather watch Gossip Girl than discuss premature ejaculation. You might be embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about it, but this is one the most important conversations that you and your partner will ever have.

You can actually make things worse if you don’t discuss premature ejaculation. You might not be able to explain what is happening and why, and she may feel confused. You can’t blame her if she feels that way. Premature ejaculation can be difficult for women to comprehend when you consider the differences in sexuality and arousal between men and women.

Female arousal: Looking under the hood

Most guys don’t know as much about the inside of a car as they do about the outside of a clitoris. We are woefully ignorant about female sexuality, not only the physical but also the emotional. While I won’t spend too much time discussing the details of pleasing a woman, it is crucial that you make sure your partner is happy for men with premature ejaculation. These are the essential facts you need to know.

Emotion. A woman must feel desire before she can be aroused. This is why female sexuality differs from male sexuality. Most men only need a little visual stimulation in order to feel the urge to have sex. This is why men are the main consumers of porn, and Viagra works well for them. Rosemary Basson MD, a University of British Columbia psychiatrist, says that many women don’t realize their physical arousal, which is an increased blood flow to the genitals. Arousal is directly related to desire and men are more easily aroused. Female sexuality is more complicated. One of the major differences between male sexuality and female sexuality, however, is that men don’t have to feel emotionally connected with the person they’re having sex. Scientific research supports the fact that women feel sexual desire towards men with whom they feel an emotional bond. This could be due to evolution. While men have an almost unlimited supply of fertilized sperm, women only have very few eggs. They will be more selective about who they have sex, and that includes the desire to feel emotionally connected. Of course, not all women want to fertilize their eggs, and many couples use birth control. However, many women still need to feel connected emotionally. To get women in the mood to have sex, the number one thing to do is to establish a strong relationship outside of the bedroom. Premature ejaculation men tend to be focused on the fact they won’t last very long so they create a vision of sex that will last longer and emphasize less important aspects. Premature ejaculation means that men are more concerned about performance than the emotional connection. You must make a change if you want to have sex with your partner in a healthy and satisfying way.

How can you make an emotional connection with your partner? For 20 seconds, try hugging. Although it sounds easy, 20 seconds can seem like a long time for a hug. However, studies have shown that this is the time women need to produce significant amounts of oxytocin (also known as the cuddlehormone). Touch stimulates oxytocin, which is directly linked to a feeling of wellbeing and connection. Although women produce more oxytocin in their bodies than men, it is not a guarantee that they will enjoy hugs (and other touch forms that stimulate oxytocin), the feeling of emotional connection may not be as strong. We mentioned in this section that many women require an emotional connection to feel desire. The oxytocin connection could be one reason.

Anxiety. You just learned that the brain is a woman’s largest sex organ. To turn her on, however, you must help her to turn off her brain. I mentioned earlier that brain scans revealed that women’s brains responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion experienced a slowdown when they were aroused. This is a powerful indicator that women must let go of anxiety and fear to reach climax. As I have said, women do not have the female equivalent to a point in ejaculatory impossibility. They can also lose their orgasm as it happens. I will repeat it: You must help your partner turn off her brain if you want her to be ejaculated. This means letting go of your worries in the bedroom. It can be difficult, but not impossible, for couples who are dealing with premature ejaculation.

Fantasy. In 1908, Sigmund Freud called fantasy a “disgusting” concept. He said that a happy person does not fantasize, but only a dissatisfied person. But, research has shown that people who have active fantasy lives are more sexually fulfilled, more sexually responsive, and more adventurous about sex. It’s important to know the difference between sharing a fantasy or actually acting it out. Sharing a few naughty thoughts might be enough to start the conversation. Research has shown that women are more likely to fantasize than men when they have sex. This helps them escape from reality and aids in the important “turning off” process we mentioned last point. As Mark Solms, a neuroscientist and leading expert in sleep research, says, “Dreaming is a cousin to dreaming.” It keeps the brain sufficiently entertained so that the more serious players can get the needed recovery time. The brain wouldn’t be pushing us out into the world without this diversion. Guys suffering from premature ejaculation may use fantasy to help them get closer to orgasm.

Anatomy. Anatomy. Although the brain is often considered to be the most important sex organ for a woman, it’s not the only one. You must also know the geography of your partner’s vulva to satisfy her. This includes the northern tip of the clitoral glazens (the “lovebutton”), the western and eastern borders of her labia minora (her inner lips), and the southernmost regions (the thin area of skin below the vaginal entrance). To help a woman have orgasm, it is important to understand her body. The clitoris has more than 18 parts and twice the number of nerve endings as penis. It also has the unbeatable power to produce multiple orgasms. Most of the nerve endings that are responsible for female orgasm can be found on the surface of a vulva. They do not require vaginal penetration. Applying pressure to the vulva and the clitoris is better than constant thrusting and switching positions. Many intercourse positions won’t stimulate her clitoris and will not give her an orgasm. So get cliterate!

Premature ejaculation can be less problematic if you are able to satisfy a woman regardless of how it happens. Many men with prematurely ejaculated, including myself, have learned to perform oral sex. Oral sex, as I will explain, is not only the best way to give a woman orgasm; it also relieves the pressure on your penis, allowing you to slow down, observe, and take in the world around you.

It is important to focus on your partner and not on her intercourse. Let me be clear: I have found that partners of men who are experiencing premature ejaculation are more inclined to cheat than those who are not having orgasms in another way. While many women will agree that this is acceptable, and women are more open to sexual experiences that do not include orgasms, it is not the norm. We should not diminish the importance of female orgasms as part of sex. If your partner feels fulfilled, she is less likely be upset and annoyed about the premature ejaculation. Although she might still be upset that sex must take place in a certain manner or that she is limited in her pleasuring you, she will generally be more supportive. You can make your partner have an orgasm, and it will shift the Code Red situation of premature ejaculation to something more tolerable for both of you.

This is how you can learn: Watch and learn

You can get a better idea of her interests by paying attention to you during sex. Honest communication is also possible. Ask your partner what she likes and doesn’t like and then observe how she reacts to stimulation. These are just a few examples to help you get started.

  • What is the difference between her turning on and off?
  • What is her average frequency of having an orgasm?
  • What is the average time it takes for her to have an orgasm.
  • Which stimulation types — verbal, verbal and oral — make her happy?
  • What makes her feel uneasy?
  • What amount of foreplay (nonintercourse), does she prefer?
  • What does she feel when sex isn’t up to her standards?
  • What are her most cherished fantasies?

The top five myths that women have about premature ejaculation

Understanding the differences in male and female sexual arousal will help you see why so many women don’t understand premature ejaculation. They don’t know what the point of ejaculatory inevitable is so it’s hard for them to imagine what it would be like to have no control over their orgasm. This disconnect and the fact that most men don’t want to talk about sexual dysfunction makes it difficult for women to understand what’s happening. This leads to a mix of misinformation about premature ejaculation. These are the five most common misconceptions:

Premature ejaculation can be a sign that you are passionate. Some women may initially feel flattered by premature ejaculation. Some women misinterpret this as a sign that you are too hot for them. It can be tempting to believe that a woman believes this. This boosts her self-esteem and allows you to get off the hook for disclosing your pre-ejaculation. Don’t let this fool you. It is a mistake to misrepresent your early ejaculation and passion. This creates a false relationship between your sexual disorder, and her sexual self-esteem. Imagine if you were experiencing erectile dysfunction. Would you want her to believe that you aren’t interested in you? Most men with premature ejaculation, particularly those with chronic, lifelong, premature ejaculation, or other sexual disorders, have little to no relationship with their sex partner.

Your partner may not be interested in you. Your partner might view your premature ejaculation, or the way that you handle it, as an indication that you aren’t interested. This is because premature ejaculated men tend to avoid sex and foreplay as a way to hide the problem. They may also make excuses for not having sex after they have had foreplay to keep their partners from discovering that they have ejaculated. This is not a good way to fool anyone. You’ll both be miserable and confused, and she will feel confused. Unfortunately, many men would rather have their partner feel this way than admit it.

You are sexually selfish. Lorena Bobbitt was mentioned earlier in this article. She referred to her husband’s “selfishly sexual behavior” — “he never waits on me” — after revealing that he had sex with his penis. Although we don’t know if John Wayne Bobbitt has premature ejaculation or not, I believe it safe to say most men with this condition are self-centered. It’s easy for women to mistake premature ejaculation for a “wham bam, thank-you, ma’am” approach if you finish quickly. Although some men might be a bit boorish, most premature ejaculators are overly sensitive and obsessive about their performance.

You are inexperienced. Uninformed women may believe that premature ejaculation indicates inexperience or immaturity. They are not wrong. You can’t talk about premature ejaculation. She may only be exposed to it through the TV or movies. This leaves her with the image of an envious, horny teenager who cannot control his emotions. But, this is often not the case. The guys with premature ejaculation are often very mature and experienced. However, they don’t have the ability to translate their intentions into action.

You are a bore in bed. Men with premature ejaculation develop a plan for sex that they can follow over time. This is called a script. While it can help with premature ejaculation, it is not a good idea. If your partner doesn’t understand why you are following your “script,” she may believe you want to continue having sex in the same way over and over. It’s been said before, and it will be repeated again: Our brain is our largest sex organ. Talking with your partner about a racy fantasy can help create a sense of adventure and excitement in the bedroom.

These myths often stem from ignorance or lack of information about premature Ejaculation. They can be corrected. This article can be shared with your partner. Communicating honestly with her can help to clear up any misconceptions.

Your ideal partner

  • Is there a woman who is perfect for a man with premature ejaculation, or a girl like her? She…
  • Open to an oral, manual, or any other type of stimulation, as well as intercourse
  • Fake orgasm is not a good idea. Faking it only creates anger and resentment.
  • It doesn’t always say “it’s okay” even if it’s not.
  • Understanding that sex must happen in a certain manner to manage premature ejaculation
  • Accepts oral sex.
  • Understanding that premature ejaculation doesn’t signify passion, selfishness, or any other connection to your attraction to her
  • It doesn’t take a lot of sexual novelty. (Novelty stimulates dopamine transduction, which increases sexual excitement and arousal.
  • Don’t be angry or frustrated if you ejaculate to soon
  • Are you not fixated on simultaneous orgasms?
  • Can you communicate with me about premature ejaculation?

Don’t worry if your partner doesn’t possess all of these attributes. If she is open to discussing premature ejaculation, she might be able adjust her expectations and work together to create a healthy sexual relationship that’s both satisfying for you.

Partnering with you

You now understand the importance of having a discussion with your partner about premature ejaculation. It’s not easy, but it is possible. If you want to have a honest conversation with her, you have to bring up the topic first. You should be aware that she might not know what is happening. Even if she does, she likely doesn’t understand premature ejaculation.

When it comes to communicating about sexuality, there is often a disconnect between what we mean and what we actually say. Even the most gentle words can seem confrontational. Critique, whether it is expressed or perceived harshly by others, is the sexual kiss to death. If you are able, express your feelings as a positive change-on and not as a turn-off.

Be closer. Men with premature ejaculation should use intimate moments outside of the bedroom to begin a conversation. As you kiss your partner, you can say something like “I love kissing and being with you, and really hope you enjoy it when you’re with me.” “I know sex can sometimes feel rushed. But I really want to make an effort not to rush things and to enjoy every moment with you.” These little conversations can be used after an intimate moment to express your pre-ejaculation or feelings.

Talk “by” her, not “to” him. There are other options if you feel uncomfortable speaking about sex with her face-to-face. Anthropologists have observed for years that women communicate “face-to-face” with men, while men do it “side by side.” This is likely due to the fact that women are more comfortable with direct eye contact. Direct eye contact can be very confrontational for some men. Helen Fisher’s remarkable article Why We Love explains that this response is likely due to men’s ancestral history. “For many millennia, men faced their enemies. They sat or walked side by side while they hunted game with friends. It might be easier to have your conversation while you are walking, driving, or watching TV.

Have fun. It’s a great time to have a private conversation. You can have intimate conversations with your partner by sharing your fantasies and needs, and discussing what works. Foreplay can create the ideal “timezone” to discuss sex. Because sexual arousal increases, inhibitions decrease due to a powerful neurochemical cocktail that is specific to sexual arousal. It’s easier to share feedback about how something feels or if it could be better. It is also easier to share a bad idea or fantasy. Talking about sex should not be sexual and constructive conversations can be part of foreplay. This process is for guys who have premature ejaculation. For example, you can tell your partner that there’s a fantasy or sexy vision that involves the sex script that works best. In most cases, this will be oral sex. To prolong your pleasure, you can also suggest mutual masturbation. You could take turns as receiver or giver.

Count to 10. This advice works well for many couples. But what if a woman criticizes your performance? It can be difficult for women to understand premature abortion, as you’ve seen. You may find your partner hurtful or frustrated. It’s not a good sign that your relationship has ended. It helps you understand the effects of emotions on the brain and allows you to see her point of view.

Intimacy issues can cause confrontation, especially if egos are easily bruised. Confrontation triggers the brain’s fight or flight response. Most men will respond by fighting which increases heart rate and blood pressure. Women can also experience flight as an adverse reaction. This is because women tend to suppress their emotions and avoid expressing them. It can lead to anxiety, depression, stress, and other unhealthy behaviors. Instead of trying to fight or fly, take a deep breathe and let your gut reactions pass. Next, start talking to get back in a better place.

Ask for help. You are allowed to feel that you need professional help with premature ejaculation. Even a few sessions with a counselor can bring your issues to the surface so that you can make the most out of your evenings. You can find a therapist in your area by visiting www.aasect.org, the website of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.

Final words

Understanding your personality is crucial to avoiding premature ejaculation, as you have seen in this section. It is important to get to know your partner and understand her body and mind, as well as the role they play when she sexually arouses. You’ll feel lighter once you have talked to your partner about premature sexual ejaculation. Although it is important to have this discussion, it is only the beginning of your efforts to manage the condition. You’ve found the information and tools that you need to manage premature ejaculation. You’re now ready to put them into practice. Learn how to work with your partner towards a happy, healthy sex life.

Continue Reading